Reality Check: Raising The Bar On Hurt

Divorce forces you to reassess what you thought you knew about relationships and about human behaviour in general. In my situation, my husband left me for another woman and discarded me in a very cruel way.

This may sound naive of me but one of the things that has shocked me the most in all of this, is the fact that my husband had the ability within him to carry out his actions. He had the ability to be with me and act completely loving and caring and yet, was living out such a deciet and betrayal. He had the ability to detach from me overnight when I found the message from the other woman. He had the ability to treat me like a stranger, no, worse than that, like an enemy throughout the months that followed.

I look at who I am as a person and I just don’t believe I would have been able to do any of the things that he has done. I am not perfect by any means but I do not believe that I have the same capacity for hurt that he does.

What if some people just have a far greater capacity to carry out hurt than others? What if some people’s bar for causing pain is much higher than others?

There are so many things that shape us to become the people we are; our upbringing, our experiences, our relationships. I cannot pin point exactly what the concoction of factors are that shaped this ability within my once seemingly kind and loving husband. All I know is, he has now displayed this HUGE capacity within him to blow apart someone’s life with no care for their feelings or wellbeing. That will always be within my husband. His bar is now set at that height.

Some call it narcissism, some call it selfishness. I have come to a point of understanding that he is fully aware of the pain he causes but he wishes not to look at it. It has made me realise that some people can act in such awful ways and have no regard for the carnage they cause. They are able to do it by simply not looking back at the trail of hurt and destruction that they have left behind.

Many people have asked me, “Would you ever take him back?”

My husband abandoned me over night for another woman, he treated me like a ghost for months (not even acknowledging me when we were in the same room), he ripped my confidence apart, he limited the access I had to our finances and yet was buying his new girlfriend presents. He shouted at me to ‘just get over it,’ only a week after he left me and told me he wanted a divorce. This is just a very limited snapshot of what he has put me through and doesn’t even touch upon the hate and manipulation he has inflicted through his solictor.

When people ask me whether I would take him back, it stirs a whirlwind of feelings in my heart but I know deep down, the answer is a resounding no. It’s a no because he has very clearly illustrated to me his capacity to hurt. He has shown me just how high his bar is when it comes to his ability to cause pain and hurt…and it is high!

Something I have begun to understand, is that his capacity to hurt is now set at this level, not only for me but for everyone. When someone becomes so skilled at inflicting hurt and switching off from the consequences, the likely hood is that in the future this will now potentially be a risk to all the people in his life. All the people he loves and is connected with, his family, his friends, his coworkers.

No one is exempt, including her. The other woman may be feeling very flattered at the level of sacrifice my husband has made to be with her. But that level of sacrifice signifies the level of hurt he has been able to cause. Without her even realising, this could likely be the very thing that will equally cause her much hurt in the long run.

I have sought no revenge on the other woman. I feel in my heart the best revenge is letting her have him.

Some people truly do have more capacity to hurt others. Even the people we love. When this is all over, I won’t have to experience my husband’s capacity for hurt any longer but he takes that with him.


8 thoughts on “Reality Check: Raising The Bar On Hurt

  1. Singledust says:

    I never saw it from this perspective and really thank you for your insight and wisdom, your heart is hurting and I wish I could say something to make you feel better and love yourself more than he ever could, but you seem to be getting there writing about it so I encourage you to continue. I cannot write about that phase of my life with honesty, partly because it is also his story and not mine alone to share. So i write fiction and poetry and with it some of the hurt gets compartmentalised. I needed that to heal and move forward. I was of the belief that selfishness is an inherent trait of those who want to hurt others. that simple explanation was good enough for me to understand all the things he put me and our kids through. I was brought up with much love and kindness and generosity, so i still cannot understand meanness. there was a reason for me to get married and i have accepted it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • valleygirlwalking says:

      You are right, I am finding it helpful to work through my experiences through writing about them and exploring them. I so appreciate your kind words. There is a lot of hurt. I’m so sorry that you have too gone through difficult times in terms of your marriage. Your poetry is beautiful and have been really enjoying reading your posts.

      It really is difficult to understand how someone can cause such hurt when as you say, you have been taught to be only kind since childhood. When you see it from someone you love it can really be a big shock. I’m still working through the shock – that he was even capable to do half of what he has done but I know in time I will come out the other side.

      Thank you so much for sharing that. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. thinkinkadia says:

    Good things happen to good people. Having been through it myself, I grew out it with a dwindling support group.
    All I can day at the end of it my friend is hang in there. Sometimes its just a sign to say you deserve better in life.
    On my blog I have discussed it in a few posts, so I will spare you the details here.
    You have my best wishes dear, and feel free to contact anytime you need a non-judgmental ear and a caring heart❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • KIM HEALER says:

        As Maya Angelo said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. We tend to look for the good even when it is not there.

        I’m liberated by your conclusion “When this is all over, I won’t have to experience my husband’s capacity for hurt any longer but he takes that with him.”

        One day I decided to ask my feelings why I was in so much pain, then the answer in my spirit was that, I had been in denial, excusing and condoning his wrong doing for too long. I has been turning a blind eye for the sake of maintaining the marriage at all costs. So it was high time for me to feel the true feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment etc. Once I truly felt them, I could release myself. Then I wouldn’t have to accept what was toxic. I could allow myself to to heal. He wouldn’t be able to keep hurting me anymore in the same way because I was no longer an enabler.

        Liked by 1 person

      • valleygirlwalking says:

        Thank you so much for sharing that, that’s a really powerful message. It can be so shocking, the ways in which someone you love can hurt you. Sounds like you have been through a lot of pain and sadness – I’m so sorry.


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