Valley Walking: Fear vs. Hope

Firstly, apologies to all my lovely readers that I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks. I went away for a little while and also, things have been quite difficult this past month but I’m getting back on track now. So, on with the writing…

I have previously described sudden marital abandonement as being like day turning to night instantaneously, with no transition time in between. There’s no preparation for the change, no awareness of your partner’s feelings pulling away from you because they haven’t given any indication of this. Life was one way and very suddenly everything has changed.

At this point, I look back over the past year and the impact my husband’s actions have had on me and my life and I see that that day,  the day when I found the text from the other woman, I stepped onto a crazed merry go round that I haven’t been able to get off ever since.

I can honestly say though, that just lately, I have felt it’s relentless pace slowing ever so fractionally and finally, in all of this darkness, I am starting to see tiny glints of light.

At first what happened to me consumed me. There were three thoughts in my mind that haunted me day and night; him, her and them. I’m pleased to say that at this point, I’m able to go through my day and now, it can be some hours before I think about those thoughts. I can also say, that I do feel moments of real joy at times, which I honestly never thought I would feel again.

At first I couldn’t stop talking about what had happened to me and dissecting every part of my husband’s actions. I couldn’t talk enough to ease the shock I felt. I would sit for days and days, just trying to make sense of it all, to find the answers as to why this had happened. I am now able to focus on new things, I am able to be creative, to concentrate again and although the shock still hits me sometimes out of nowhere I am managing it slightly better.

All of these little steps forward are helping me to believe that I will be okay and to feel hope again.

Sudden change does a real number on the mind and it can be a horrific and scary maze to work your way through. It is in these big game changing experiences that you learn a lot about life, about yourself and in many ways it can radically change who you are.

One thing I have come to learn about life and understand is that it can truly be unpredictable and can dramatically change in an instant.

This new understanding of the way life can change so quickly has had both positive and negative effects on the way I live my life.

The positive. I say yes to so much more than I used to. I now embrace the opportunities life presents and the goodness it offers. I also am so grateful when I’m a having a good day and the world looks a little brighter. I thank God for those good days.

It has also made me appreciate the people I love so much more and understand how precious they truly are. Someone leaving you so brutally and suddenly makes you so unbelievably grateful for the ones who remain by your side.

The negative. Knowing that things in life can change so quickly now deeply frightens me. I find myself nervous that I will lose those closest to me, or that something else will go awfully wrong in my life. I have this worry that I will have finally gotten through this hellish time, finally found some semblance of happiness again, only to receive another life changing shock.

I have become so used to things going wrong that I question when things go right. In the little moments of joy, that I am only now starting to experience again, I find that the thought creeps into my mind; but you know happiness doesn’t last. I used to feel so safe and secure and now I struggle to remember how that feels.

I have existed for a year in this strange state of suspension, where life is full of grief, fear, upheaval and confusion. Now that things are starting to calm down just a little, I find it hard to come down from that level. I find that now that the fear about the divorce proceedings is coming to a closure and I’m finally feeling a little stronger, my mind seems to be finding other things to be fearful of to keep me in that same state. I find myself panicking about my health, about finances, my future and my loved ones.

These irrational fears conflict with the new knowledge I also have come to gain; that I am so much stronger than I thought I was and that with God by your side, you can overcome all things.

Surviving my husband’s betrayal and abandonment has taken every fibre of my strength. I loved my husband so much, he was the centre of my world and him leaving me in such an extreme way seemed impossible to overcome. However, I am. I am overcoming, I am surviving. I know that life means that none of us are exempt to these awful experiences of loss but I know God can pull us through things that we never imagined we could get through. We can find an inner strength that pulls us to the shore amidst the most treacherous of waters.

Now, in my life, I crave peace, reassurance and consistency and yet I know life cannot promise any of these things. I know in my heart that only God’s love can truly provide peace, reassurance and be the one true constant in even the most turbulent of times.

I have come to understand that the impact of these life changing shocks can cause a conflict within when healing, a battle between wanting to move forward and yet feeling so scared of any future sudden change.

I know that eventually, I will find my way and that God will help me deal with my fears. I know that with Him, I will come to that place, of peace, healing and hope for the future. If you are battling with these same fears I do pray that you will also find peace, healing and hope for your future too.

4 thoughts on “Valley Walking: Fear vs. Hope

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