During my marriage, one of my absolute favourite parts of the week, was Saturday mornings. I couldn’t wait for them; to have quality time with my husband, chilling out together, having breakfast in bed, catching up, laughing together and just being in our own little world. It is probably one of the things I miss most about my relationship.
Since my husband left me, Saturday mornings have been one of the hardest things to get through and of course, they keep coming around! I can’t avoid them. For a long while I did try to sleep in until late, so I’d miss most of the morning but no matter what time I wake up, I can’t help but have a lump in my throat when I think of all those Saturday mornings we spent together over the years. The lump becomes even harder to swallow down when I think about the reality I am now in, that it’s over.
There will be no more Saturday mornings together. It breaks my heart just to write those words. I would give anything for one more Saturday morning and it is unfathomable to me that he has given them up by choice.
I try not to dwell on things too much but it is gut wrenching how much I miss my relationship on Saturday mornings and I often can’t help but wonder what he is doing. If he is with her. If they are sharing their morning together. I know I shouldn’t torture myself about these things but I’m only human.
There are hundreds of times throughout the week where I am reminded of my husband, of our life together but Saturday mornings feel especially cruel, especially quiet and especially heart-breaking.
I try not to lay in bed too long, not to focus too heavily on the loss. I get up, get ready and begin the day but the missing is there, hovering over me. Weekends in general can bring a different kind of sadness.
I am however, determined to take Saturday mornings back. To not dread them but rather, to embrace them. One day, I hope that they will symbolise happiness to me once again and I won’t go to bed on Friday night preparing for the tsunami of sadness to hit me when I open my eyes.
I know I am going to need to snap out of it. The reality is, I am a very, very fortunate soul with amazing family, friends and so much love and support. I have so much goodness in my life. When you think of the unpredictability of life, each Saturday morning is a blessing. Each Saturday morning really is precious. I am determined to see them that way, even if it takes a little time to get there.
When I wake up on the next Saturday morning, I am going to take a breath and thank God for that breath. I am going to open the curtains and thank God for that new day. In time things will get easier and in time, please God, Saturday mornings will lose their sting.