When do I let go?
It’s a question I have asked myself at every stage of this hellish divorce.
When my husband first left me for another woman, letting go wasn’t a possibility for me. Even when he told me he wanted a divorce, I still clung on. But now suddenly, I am hit with the sure and certain reality that this process filled with all it’s fear, confusion, loss and pain will have an ending and it has made me consider if this will jolt me into letting go. The marriage will, at some point soon, be dissolved and he will leave my life for good. This would appear to be the right time to let go but I’m still left with that nagging doubt. Am I truly able to?
It’s like a plaster over my heart that I am dreading ripping off so I just keep peeling it back little by little but then I lose my nerve and try to stick it back down again. I ask myself, what does it look like to let go? To me, I guess it means to release my husband from my heart, my mind and my life. It’s ironic to use the word release because he exited on his own accord, however the love and the memory of who he was to me is still resident in my heart.
Fully letting go has become something I am fearful of and I often find myself worrying about what will happen when the divorce is finalised. What will it do to me. I have clawed my way through so much shock and loss and yet I can’t seem to comprehend or prepare for the impact that may have on me.
I am desperate for this whole process to end and yet hate what that ultimately brings with it. It’s like there is a tiny light in the dark that I am heading towards but when I reach it I know it will bring both relief and immense sorrow.
Some people do something symbolic to let go of the person they love. Some never let go. The love we hold for people doesn’t simply disappear with the removal of a wedding ring or through some symbolic gesture to mark the ending, drawing a line under that stage in our lives.
In all honesty, the marriage I loved is already gone. The person I loved has already left. What am I so frightened of? Everything has all already been lost and yet I continue to have this notion in my mind that I am still travelling to a point of letting go.
Mentally, I don’t honestly know if I am capable of letting go of something so important to me, this person who was my world, my life. I am praying that time will work it’s magic and that as I grow stronger and heal, I will one day come to a point where I am able to fully let go.
Until then I have decided to just let it be.
Letting be doesn’t mean burying my head in the sand, it doesn’t mean avoiding the inevitable. It is simply that I can only cope with learning to accept the situation at the moment. Accepting that I was a good wife. Accepting that I did everything I could, both during my marriage and at the end when I was trying to save it. Accepting that we won’t be getting back together again and accepting that I have no control over the decisions he has made.
I am learning to accept that my marriage is over, it is something that I may never fully understand but the situation is as it is.
If I come to a place where I let all of these things in my mind settle and find peace with them, one day I hope this will naturally lead to the ability to let go. Rather than try to force myself to let go when the marriage is legally declared ended, I would rather be kind to myself and let these emotions naturally evolve because there is no time scale that I am held to.
Letting go isn’t cut and dry, it’s not black and white. Where emotions are involved it is inevitably riddled with grey areas. It has it’s own process that demands time, space and healing.
The divorce process is very cold and clinical and is set to timescales and deadlines but our emotions, they will need to run their own natural course.