As I was trawling the internet, I recently came across this quote by John A. Shedd and it’s words struck me.
Sometimes I feel this sense of relief wash over me. Relief to have made it through the initial whirlwind of learning of my husband’s affair and his sudden departure from our marriage. It was an instantaneous and turbulent change in my life that flung me into what now feels like a very different world.
As time has moved on, I can see that I have started to strengthen. I have worked so hard to cope with the grief, the pain and shock and to begin reimagining a new life for myself. I’ve had to fight so hard to forge back some sense of identity and to overcome the challenges of betrayal and abandonment and what this does to a person.
Part of finding who I am again has meant being open to letting life in again but I have to be honest and tell you that this goes against everything that I actually want to do.
Weathering the storm and surviving it can mean we become resistant to venturing out again past the safe confines we have built to protect ourselves.
Deep inside I feel I want to just stay where it is safe. To not push myself out of my boundaries, to not expect more and to not let anyone in. We let life in again, we are vulnerable again, we let people in and we can get hurt again, right?
This past year has taken me to the brink and I know that mentally, physically and emotionally I have had to summon coping mechanisms within me that I never knew were even there before.
At this point I just want peace, the safety of being alone, being out of reach. In short, I crave being in a bubble.
Then something else kicks in. An instinct or a voice that says that I deserve more than that.
My husband ripped away everything in an instant but how much more do I give him?
Against my initial will, this voice from within says that I must be careful not to build the walls too high around myself. It is this instinct that pushes me (literally) out of my personal comfort zone and makes me seek out life again; to go out, to commit to plans with others and to let joy in when it comes knocking.
I know deep down that if we are so frightened to let life in again, we are missing out on so much that we deserve. Letting life in again is risky. We risk being hurt, we risk rejection, we risk failure. However, if we don’t let life in, we are risking something bigger, we are risking not fully living.
If we stay only in the safety of our comfort zones we risk missing the gift and the adventure that is life.
This quote exemplifies that need to challenge everything that fear tells you in order to live life to its fullest.
I pray that whatever experiences you are going through that you will come to find the courage to venture beyond the harbour. The harbour may offer safety but you deserve so much more.
You were built to sail.