Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the plans that God has in store for my life.
So much of what I had built my life upon has disappeared and I have been left feeling like I am very much back at the starting line in life. I thought my plan was cut and dry but I guess life has a way of well and truly pulling the rug from beneath you and bringing you to your knees.
I find myself having these moments of panic. Thoughts will suddenly fly through my mind, well, I call them thoughts but they are more like fears. Fears that I may not find love again. Fears that I may not be happy again, that I will end up alone. I am in my early thirties and although it may seem absurd at my relatitvely young age, because of all that has been lost, I think my greatest fear is that maybe, the best days of my life are behind me now.
However, despite the pain and loss I have experienced, I have seen the specks of light that have been breaking through the darkness of this year. In the time since my husband left me, I can see that God has already brought goodness and newness into my life and not necessarily in areas I ever expected to see them. Take starting this blog for instance, something which has been such a massive blessing to me. Throughout this year I can see that God has brought new friendships, new strength, new dreams, new ambition and a new understanding and appreciation of love for those around me.
Newness is being carved into my life and it is going against the grain of everything I told myself at the beginning of this nightmare. I told myself that life was over, that happiness was gone. I told myself that it was the end. Still, amongst “the end,” God seems to have been very busy planting new beginnings for me.
There have been times when I have felt Him literally upholding me and times when I have questioned where He is. But He was still there. There have been times when I have felt His love cloak me and times when I have felt cold and alone. But His love has still surrounded me.
What I am coming to fully understand is that despite it all, God truly is still good.
We can so easily lose sight of this when so much is going wrong. It can be so hard to feel His love when the world has left us feeling so unloved. But trust that it still remains. The small victories, the new beginnings that burst forth even in the midst of defeat and loss are a testament to the fact that despite everything, God is still good.
Throughout this time, I have learned to do something which the old me struggled with. I have come to truly place my full trust and reliance in God because quite simply, I know I don’t have it within me to get through this alone. I know I need Him, His love, His peace, and His strength.
And I believe more and more, as the days go by, that there is more goodness God wants to pour out into my life. Into our lives.
But how do we let go and trust in this when we cannot always see it?
I believe that to do this, we first have to understand the limitless way in which God values us and His sacrificial, unconditional and unshakeable love for us. Despite all our imperfections, He still loves us. And despite all the bad that can happen to us, and be done to us, His love is still greater. His desire to bring healing, peace and new beginnings is still greater.
No matter the season, the hurt, the pain, His love is a restorative one that breathes new life even when it feels like there is none. His love is filled with hope and promises and when needed, hope in new promises. He wants us to live life to the fullest in all its wonder. This is a love that creates new life, moves roadblocks, bursts closed doors open and parts seas. It is a love that is infinite and tremendous and understanding and gentle and tender.
I believe that if we can begin to understand the ways in which He loves us, we will come to see that much like His love, our life ahead can be limitless. We are precious vessels that He is longing to fill to overflowing and this goes for our lives too. When we trust in the infinite love He has for us, we can trust in the blessings and promises He has for our future, our restoration, the little specks of light that He is planting in the darkness that will eventually bring a new day.
So, do I believe that in every season, whatever it may bring, God is good to me?
Do I believe that I can just let go and trust what I can’t yet see?
Do I believe that I can start counting every new blessing in wonder at His love?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I have seen a God that has pulled me from the pits of despair and restored me in new hope. I firmly believe that He hasn’t been getting me through this awful time for me not to have new beginnings and new goodness.
Holding firm to His promises can be so difficult, especially when the world tries to snatch them away from us. It can be equally hard to ignore the lies that we tell ourselves or that others tell us. But despite it all; the change, the pain, the new season we can find ourselves in, one thing remains, God is still so very good.