To say I had pleaded with God to intervene and save my marriage would be a huge understatement. I begged in utter desperation for Him to transform the awful situation I was in. I fasted, as did my whole family. I spent days in prayerful meditation and had a host of church and family members praying for me and my husband. I even anointed the walls of my home with holy oil. I exhaled the words, “Please God,” night and day, until they merged into my very breathing.
I had such belief that God could part the sea, that He could move this mother of a mountain in front of me. In Matthew 17:20 (NIV) it says, “Truly, I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” I clung onto those words. I had more than a mustard seed, I had a gigantic, genetically modified sized seed!
As time went on though, things didn’t change. The divorce papers came, my husband’s decision remained final. What would it do to my faith if the mountain simply didn’t move?
I began to realise that maybe God is on the mountain and has a high-level view over everything, including the hellish valley I am desperately trying to get out of. I began asking myself, what if He can see further than I can? What if what I want, is just that…what I want? What if He knows what I need? What if He is trying to save His child from more hurt?
At first, these thoughts made me very uneasy to say the least and made me feel even more powerless as it meant possibly surrendering to the fact that I may not get what I was so earnestly praying for. It makes me feel uneasy just writing that scentence but there is growth in that uneasiness and there is power in it. If God has looked into your heart, has seen your desperation, understood your pain and yet has still not intervened in the way you want, there is a reason.
We cannot begin to know the mind of God. As powerless as that may make you feel, it actually means the exact opposite. Just like when we are weak, He is our strength, when we are powerless, He is powerful! Trusting in Him, despite not understanding, makes us mighty and open to the endless possibilities He wants to unleash over our lives. Maybe, He wants more for us and what He gave us before pales in comparison to the happiness we are going to be blessed with. My marriage was everything to me but I have to trust that God still has more.
I wrestle with this one but in trusting in God I am stepping into a new dimension of faith that I have never experienced before. It has made room for growth, for a new understanding of God’s love. I have realised that I will never let go of God, even if that mountain doesn’t budge to bring back one of the most precious people in my life.
The song, ‘Even If,’ by MercyMe was by far the most difficult song to listen to in those early days but there is power in it. Give it a listen, you will see what I mean.